Sunday, 25 April 2010

Not good

I thought a bit of determination was going to help. I really did enjoy that Sports Mile. But (who knows why: wrong shoes? not enough training?) the heel took a turn for the worse afterwards. For the last month, instead of just being uncomfortable first thing and after a long walk or running attempt, it's hardly stopped hurting at all, with the result that I feel crocked and old.

I have done a few gym sessions, a few walk-runs; and then I went out with Kim and another friend of hers, Jan, for a walk-run. Lovely route, mostly on soft but even forest floor; lots of pauses to stretch; probably about 25% walking, rest running, but certainly not fast. I spent most of the session in some pain; by the time I drove home, I was literally in tears: both from the frustration of being unable to enjoy such a beautiful evening and an activity I loved, and from the pain of it.

That was a week ago, and I think I've got to admit that the Race for Life is just not going to happen. Running through pain, putting up with muscle aches, all that's fine; but this is more than that, and a really intense pain that isn't going away.

I've finally been to the doctor and booked to have a steroid injection on 6th May. I'm not looking forward to it; I've been warned that it will hurt, and that it may not even work; but I don't know what else to do.

To add insult to injury, this morning I weighed in at 12 stone exactly - the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and one pound above my starting weight back in 2007. I have three pairs of trousers that fit me; 75% of my wardrobe (at least) is unusable. I am fighting hard, the whole time, not to disappear into a black depression, because it's affecting every part of my life, and I am not a good person to be with right now.

I hope the injection works. Otherwise I just don't know what to do. And of course, as that physical feel-good factor is no longer possible, what's the replacement? Food, of course.

I am deeply ashamed and sorry for the lack of inspiration, as I was so proud of what I achieved, but right now I feel worthless and deeply unattractive. I just hope I find a way out of it.


SAM said...

Know that onnce you've changed your life once you KNOW you can do it again. You can swim, bike, walk (if the pain eases) and just get out there and move in any way that doesn't hurt. You've got the will, you've had the habit. I swear it will all come back easier this time.

Good to see you honestly blogging, to admit how you feel is the start of changing it.

And I swear, I've never read a self-help book in my life. This is just the stuff you pick up along the way.

Cassie said...

Bless you for that, Sam. ((hugs))

Gymbunny21 said...

Hi Cassie - I feel I want to give you a big hug - I feel you need it right now. Don't beat yourself up. These obstacles happen for a reason and we can learn from them, reflect and understand the reasons. These are the things that make us wise. Obstacles can be overcome, it won't always be like that. Often in life we strive for perfection. Let go of the fantasy and step into reality. When we learn to let go our ego and stop 'trying' and accept who and what we are, things naturally happen. Learn to listen to your body, to let go and enjoy the transformation, learn to love your authentic self and the changes will occur. Believe! I admire your honesty and you are an inspiration - truly. Gymbunny x

Cassie said...

Gymbunny : thank you from the bottom of my heart (and my well-worn sports bra) for this - it means so much. Between you, I have been given so much by you, Sam, my husband and my dear friend Kim, and great love and hugs to you all.