Lots to think about

That last post was written in a fit of the serious poor-mes. I was hugely touched and encouraged by the beautiful responses I had, on this blog, on Facebook and by email, from several people - both dear friends and complete strangers - and it gave me lots of food for thought.

The important conclusion to come out of this is not about whether or not I need to lose a little weight. I know that I do. At twelve stone, I'm mercifully not obese, but I am definitely overweight - from a medical, healthy point of view, it's too much weight for a woman of 5'5". I'm carrying around some twenty pounds' excess strain on the heart, the back and all other bits of my anatomy. My blood pressure isn't yet dangerously high, but it's high enough for the nurse to call me back for an extra check and to caution me that she's not happy with it.

The actual numbers in my clothes sizes aren't that meaningful (let's face it, when I'm a size 14 in M&S, I'm a 12 in East and an Extra Large in Zara); but when I'm on the 12-14 racks, the whole bod feels better able to carry out its daily routine efficiently. And efficiency has always been important to me.

When, back in the summer of 2007, I had settled at roughly 10 stone 7, I was genuinely happy with my body, probably for the first time in my life - especially as it had been achieved by very little "dieting" and a lot of exercise, so was actually in far better shape than when I'd been even lighter in the past.

The trouble is that I was so thrilled to be bien dans ma peau, as the French so eloquently put it, that in my mind it meant that a very specific equation was formed: namely, ten-stone-seven = the right weight for me = attractive. Logically, therefore, twelve-stone = too heavy for me = unattractive.

The fear of getting dressed in the morning (faced with a wardrobe that is 75% useless) means that I might do two hours' work at the desk in my towelling robe before getting as far as the shower, unable to face the body and the wardrobe. I am likely to have a panic attack when "getting dressed up" because I'm limited to the two pairs of black trousers and one pair of jeans that I can wear with any comfort. And because my eighteen months in "the right place" was so happy, I had worked on the basis that I'd no longer need the 14-to-16 range... ach, we've all been there.

So where does this get me now? Trying, very hard, to think clearly. It is possible for me to be attractive at my present weight and size; it's just a different kind of sexy. It's not a place I especially want to stay, purely for reasons of health, but it will do, and is not by definition a place of ugliness. Wow - there's a concept.

So I've been to the gym twice this week, used the exercise bike three times, and been trying to eat sensibly. I'll have my steroid injection on Thursday, and see where it gets me. And I'll believe my lovely husband, and my dear friends, and those complete strangers who care enough to take time to send me good thoughts and best wishes. My thanks and love to them all.

***

I was supposed to be running the Norwich Race for Life today. My foot has been so bad that I can barely walk on it at the moment, much less run. What did I do instead? I went to see my lovely friend Kayla for a long-overdue waxing session (ouch) and back massage & facial (wonderful). A bit ironic, really, but I suppose I can live with that.

In the meantime, I am so proud of those friends of mine who have run or will run this race in aid of cancer research: Kinga, Tracy, Linda and my lovely friend Kim. I hope to be back with you next year.

Good week

Having managed three gym sessions during this last week - one very brief (only 30 mins, but hey, it's better than nothing) before a rehearsal, and two decent-length workouts with Kim (about 50 mins + stretches in each case), the two of us got out for a run-walk today, together, for the first time in forever.

Genuine reason for only running (and that very slowly) part of the route was that all the recent snow / sleet / hail have left the roads, in places, treacherous, and turning ankle during get-back-to-running time didn't seem wise; but coming up through the woods at Morton Hall, rather than up the drive, the sheltered and leaf-covered paths were actually much easier to run on - no ice! Yes, tough going and wobbly legs; yes, we probably only ran about three-quarters of a mile out of the total of just under 2 miles; but good. Very good. No idea how long it took; was more interested in getting it done than timing it. Having bought a new sensor for the Nike+ kit I'll start monitoring it again soon.

I made our entries for the 2010 Race for Life this week, and was rather deflated when looking for a running photo of myself for the sponsorship page: depressing to see how different I look now. However, I've done it before so I can do it again.

NB: left heel (plantar fasciitis) hurts like the devil right now, but it didn't while we were running. That job went to the under-used thighs and calves.

Hang on in there with me.

peeking over the parapet

I had a real hissy fit the other day.

As you can see, if you're really interested, from earlier entries, my fitness journey went in waves. Having spent around 44 years messing around with dieting but little exercise, in January 2007 I finally cracked it, and got a PT; six weeks later, I started running; and for eighteen months, life was good. A couple of minor injuries were overcome, I always got back in the swing of things, and the lost 20lb or so stayed off.

Plantar fasciitis kicked in during the autumn of 2008, and wrecked everything. And yes, I guess I let it. But it hurt. Lots. And that feeling of freedom, of running without ouch-ouch-ouch, which I found just occasionally, was lost. And I panicked. And the weight went back on. And so on, and so on.

Let's be fair to self: the weight didn't quite all go back on - it was all bar about 4lb. Given that in any previous existence I'd have leapfrogged over my previous heaviest weight, I guess I can put this down to the fact that I've at least managed one gym session per week, on average, during that fifteen months or so since I was running regularly. I've managed to stay within a size 14, rather than giving in to the sixteens again - but oh, the twelves were so much better.

So the hissy fit? Well, I'm in a play right now - rehearsing for a production of Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean at the Sewell Barn Theatre in Norwich, last two weeks in February. My character is Sissy - who, if you've ever seen the 1970s film, was the part played by Cher. I don't have her waistline, hair, eyes or money, but I sure as hell have the tits - and always will do, no matter what my weight.

Well, we had publicity photos taken the other night. I need a wig (my own hair is much too short for the period) and the only one they could source for the occasion looked awful - more width on my face I really do not need. And when I saw myself next to the actresses playing Mona (dainty, petite) and the younger versions of Mona & Sissy (gorgeous teenagers) on the screen on the back of the digital camera, my heart sank. Elephantine was not the word. Well, it was, actually.

I got home, and found an comment awaiting moderation: from the lovely gymbunny21, asking ever so nicely where my updates were, and saying how much she'd enjoyed this blog in the past. She's lost two stone - good on you, girl. She's just started her blog, and is newly motivated. Had I kept my weight off, was I still running?

Well, I just sat down and howled. I'd been ignoring the blog, ignoring the scales, and trying not to remember how good it used to make me feel, because I felt so ashamed. And here was a complete stranger caring what had happened to me.

So here we are again. I tried to run back in April last year - and gave up after a couple of tries; and again in August - ditto. Now the Race for Life 5K beckons once more. The heel might hurt still, but when I said to my darling friend and erstwhile PT, Kim, "I can walk for about half an hour before it starts to hurt" she wisely pointed out that if I could walk, then I could run for that time, too. The resting hasn't helped it, as far as I can tell, so I may as well put up with the discomfort.

And if I can get back to one or two runs plus one or two gym sessions per week, I know that those twenty pounds will be behind me. (No, I don't mean on my arse.)

I have just turned 47. I don't want to get any nearer fifty with the same image problems as I've had virtually all my life. So... here we go again.

I have just got back from a walk-run. My old, favourite route, down to Morton Hall: 1.75 miles round trip, flat-ish (this is Norfolk, after all) but a few undulating bits that make it slightly harder work on the way back. 200 steps walking and 200 running on the way there; the same on the way back but alternating every 100 steps. CV: not too bad. Leg muscles: despite gym sessions, clearly wondering what the heck I'm up to. Heel: not actually painful, but clearly something is still out of kilter. Not sure how much of that is psychological. Don't know how long it took me, I forgot to time it, but I think it was around about 22 minutes - so at least a bit faster than a straight walk would have been.

Weight: 11 stone 10 lb. Weeks till RfL: just over 15.

Thank you, Kim. Thank you, husband. And thank you, gymbunny, for the kick up the substantial arse that I needed.

Done it again!

Just got back from my second Race for Life; this time I was running with Elaine and her daughter (having run the Sport Relief race in March with Elaine and her son!).

We came in together at a pretty respectable 34:35, which given that (a) I did last year's R4L in about 39:00, (b) it's within a couple of seconds of my time at last August's Wroxham 5K and (c) I've managed precisely one run per week for the last month - plus a couple of gym sessions - it's not at all bad.

As this was Sunday afternoon, not Sunday morning, Selwyn was able to follow us round the course with the camera this time. I have to admit, having two "followers" - one with camera, one with water bottle - is preferable... not carrying water was a mistake, I felt totally spaced out by the end of it with dehydration. Mind you, it was a very, very warm day.


Waving from the middle of the crowd at the starting line


Ready for the off


Running steady


Done it!


Me an' my girls

By the way, it was fabulous to have Kim turning up with her mum and step-dad at the end of the race - I wasn't expecting to see her there. We'll be back out on the roads together soon! Wroxham 5K at the end of this month - let's see if I can keep up the pace for the whole distance this time, rather than flagging in the last mile...

Race for Life: one year on

It's hard to believe that it's exactly a year ago that I was running my first 5K. This afternoon I'll be going with Elaine - Kim can't make it this time - and am aiming for under 34 minutes (last year it was 39 minutes).

I haven't canvassed for sponsorship - am leaving that for the 10K in September. But I'm still really looking forward to this.

This is when I started racing for my own life, and I'm so grateful.

And they're off again...

Back in another happy place, actually. The Race for Life 2007 was really where it all started. I was originally planning to skip it this year, in favour of doing a 10K race happening the same weekend; but having been back running for a month, I think the likelihood of getting up to that distance by early May is a bit remote, to say the least. Not to say foolhardy, given the frustration of three-months-crocked.

And when my friend Elaine said that she had just started running, and wanted to have a go at the RFL... well, it had to be done! So here's the renewed web page.

As you'll see, the target is very modest this year. That's because I still want to do a 10K - and for it to be the other Cancer Research race, which happens around September (they haven't published the dates yet). So I'd prefer to call in the goodwill factor from my wonderful family and friends for that one instead.

But if anybody feels like making it "as well as", that would be wonderful...

Back on the road

Three days after my run, and on go the trainers ("is that Brit for running shoes?" enquired my American friend). Just a mile down to Morton Hall, pause to stretch, and a mile back, after a brief warm-up walk in the opposite direction to the post box in the village; but the mile was nearer to 9-10 minutes than the 11 it was a few days ago, and the nearly 13 minutes average over the course of the Race for Life - so I was pleased.

Sponsorship has increased further, and is creeping closer to the amazing £1,000 mark - many, many thanks again to all my lovely friends, colleagues and relations. Best of all, this morning's weight was, finally, 149 lb. So (despite everything my friends will tell you) I am officially normal!

Other press coverage

- not all have their photos up yet, but it's worth keeping an eye out.

Nivea were sponsors (goodie bag providers at the end), and they have a Race for Life page here. If you choose the Celebration Gallery > View the Gallery > 05/05/2007 Norfolk Showground (date is in USA format) there are some photos there. (Ignore the second 05/05 and the 05/06 dates: when I enquired, I was told "unfortunately our photographer had trouble uploading the 6th May Norfolk images and therefore placed them into the 5th May Norfolk images folder".) So no photos of us there, but some great images of groups of runners.

And Radio Broadland were covering the event all weekend; there are links (at the moment, anyway) off their front page to a video and to photos of all three races (haven't found us in any of the Sunday ones yet!).

The Eastern Daily Press (EDP) and Norwich Evening News websites each has an article, and in both cases the same slideshow of photos - as of this morning (Tuesday) it's now working. (You'll find the photo that appeared in the paper of us, as shown in the blog entry below, about three-quarters of the way through!)

We're in the paper!

Under the heading "They came, they ran, they conquered"
Eastern Daily Press, Monday 7th May 2007

A little post-script to this: at least four of our parishioners who take the EDP regularly had read the article, but hadn't noticed that it was me in the photo; and another couple had the conversation "that's Cassie in that photo" - "no it isn't, don't be daft"...

R4L photos 3: afterwards

It felt as though it should have been champagne, but Kim's coffee and hot cross buns will do just fine...

R4L photos 2: running the race

and they're off


this is great


yippee!


feeling the muscles


on the last leg(s)

R4L photos 1: backs and fronts

Kim - front and back



Cassie - back and front (dig the hairstyle... well, it was a bit blowy)

DONE IT

I jogged throughout. Not fast (it took 39 minutes), but I didn't take one single stop, nor even a walking break. Kim's dad & stepmum there throughout taking photos at different points of the course; my husband and our friend Beryl at the finish.



More will follow later this afternoon.

Wow.

Ready and waiting

9:05 am, Sunday 6 May 2007.

Waiting for Kim to come pick me up to go to the showground.

Wearing the Race for Life t-shirt.



Cloudy & chilly but no rain.

Thighs aching a bit from yesterday's run, but injury area seems to be behaving itself. Pray that it stays that way.

£812 sponsorship so far, not including Gift Aid.

See you later.

Support from my folks

My mum & dad have always been great, and supported me in whatever I do. They're as flabbergasted by this new approach to fitness as everybody else, and I was really touched today to get their cheque to sponsor me for £50 for the Race for Life, together with this note. (My mum loved the "norfolk broad" nickname which I use for my R4L page - apparently my dad didn't get it at first...)

Another fantastic day - Easter weekend looks set to be lovely. PT session with Kim - our last for a couple of weeks, as we'll be on holiday next week, and her new job means we'll need to meet evenings and weekends in future. We plan to get together for a run soon after we get back.

R4L sponsorship: 25/03/2007

I took a deep breath and emailed some friends with my Race for Life sponsorship page. The first donation came from Pat, the boss I had in my last job in London - a lovely lady who I do miss. I was so touched. (Her comment was You never cease to amaze me...!)

More sponsors started to come in over the next few days, and each of them has so much confidence in me - it's fantastic.

A REVELATION: 14/03/2007

I walked on the Tuesday, and met with Kim on the Wednesday. She was delighted with progress, continuing descent of my BP (it had started at the high end of the safe zone, and is now down to well within normal limits) and my weight is now down to 154 lb - bang on 11 stone. That's nearly a stone gone.

I subscribe to the Rosemary Conley magazine (mostly for the recipes for low-fat food, which are excellent). My new copy had arrived recently, and there was an article in there about the Cancer Research Race for Life.

I read it, and looked up the website, and thought very hard.

Then I sent Kim an email:

Race for Life is at Norwich Showground on 5 & 6 May. I know that I can walk it; seven weeks off, I want to be able to jog it at least. I've never done anything like this before. Would you do it with me??

c xxx

Reply, almost immediately:

Blimey!!!! Yes yes yes!

We need to get in training.

Speak about it when we hook up next.

Kind regards as always, Kim

PS: you'd better purchase those trainers (New Balance) & a bazooka bra.

The deed is done. We're signed up to Race for Life on Sunday 6th May. And I've never been more excited.